


cut it out and then restart

by aletterinthenameofsanity



Series: tell my father (this is my life) [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: AND LET THE KIDS HEAL AND BE HAPPY, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Character Study, DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE NOT SIBLINGS, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Happy Ending, IN THIS WORLD WE IGNORE THE APOCALYPSE, My First Work in This Fandom, PSA: JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE ADOPTED, Past Child Abuse, Sibling Bonding, and of course leonard, because fuck that noise, but like that happens off-screen, canon-divergent as of the end of episode 9, hear that sound?, hi guys no sibling incest here, i stan (1) dead boy, no it didn't, that's me denying everything, the apocalypse happened?, the only character that dies is ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 19:19:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17904008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aletterinthenameofsanity/pseuds/aletterinthenameofsanity
Summary: There is something unhuman about them, Ben knows. There is something unhuman about the fact that they respond to numbers, that they call a man who hurt them ‘Dad,’ that they were raised by a robot and an ape and shaped by missions and monsters rather than elementary school.In some ways, their powers are the most human things about them. The fact that they have something that they can latch on and identify with, that they have a talent that she shape their lives around- that’s not strange. From what Ben can tell, that’s a far too human thing to do.They were numbers before they ever had the chance to be people. Sometimes, they don't remember what it's like to be human. Other times, they are far too human and it hurts.-Sometimes, Ben remembers the things that Klaus remembers. There are memories of mausoleums and acid trips and kisses that Ben never had before he died. There are memories that are literal triggers, where guns are fired and deaths made and drugs downed.Sometimes, it is nice to have this view into his brother’s mind, to be able to understand what makes Klaus tick.Other times, it just makes the monsters under Ben’s skin itch.





	cut it out and then restart

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Shake It Out" by Florence + The Machine.
> 
> Once again, I have too many feelings about another dysfunctional family. This is probably going to spiral into another giant-ass series ala my Coco or Chronicles or Power Rangers series, btu what the fuck, it's not like I have any self-restraint. Hope you enjoy!

_Some of us laugh_

_Some of us cry_

_Some of us smoke_

_Some of us lie_

_But it's all just the way_

_That we cope with our lives_

- **_Some of Us,_ ** **Starsailor**

 

There is something unhuman about them, Ben knows. There is something unhuman about the fact that they respond to numbers, that they call a man who hurt them ‘Dad,’ that they were raised by a robot and an ape and shaped by missions and monsters rather than elementary school.

In some ways, their powers are the most human things about them. The fact that they have something that they can latch on and identify with, that they have a talent that she shape their lives around- that’s not strange. From what Ben can tell, that’s a far too human thing to do.

They are damaged people who don’t know how to cope- that’s obvious. The fact that Ben is still here, that he is all that Klaus has, that a dead brother is a better confidante than Klaus' living siblings- that says a shitton about how fucked up their lives are.

They were numbers before they ever had the chance to be people. Sometimes, they don't remember what it's like to be human. Other times, they are far too human and it hurts.

-

Sometimes, Ben remembers the things that Klaus remembers. There are memories of mausoleums and acid trips and kisses that Ben never had before he died. There are memories that are literal triggers, where guns are fired and deaths made and drugs downed.

Sometimes, it is nice to have this view into his brother’s mind, to be able to understand what makes Klaus tick. It’s a nice kind of intimacy, a connection to his brother that reminds Ben of what it was like to be alive and be able to touch the world.

Other times, it just makes the monsters under Ben’s skin itch.

- 

The thing about the Hargreeves are they’re all damaged and they don’t always seem to realize it.

Klaus and Vanya were left behind. Allison doesn’t know what parts of her world are real. Luther was sent up to the moon for four years that meant nothing, in the pursuit of approval he was never going to get. Diego’s girlfriend is dead and so is mom and his powers can only lead to destruction. Five spent forty years in the Apocalypse and has killed more people than the Umbrella Academy probably ever saved.

And yet- none of them really try to understand each other and the kinds of damage that were dealt to each of them, in their own way. They don’t try to understand that people have different ways of coping. Diego lashes out, Allison pretends, Vanya forgets, Klaus shoots up, Luther clings to the past, and Five...well, fuck, what _doesn’t_ Five do?

Ben has spent the past six- no, the past twenty nine- years watching his siblings tear each other apart in some attempt at feeling more human. None of them have ever really seemed to realize that they are all just reacting to the same kind of damage in different ways. They fight and lash out and rarely ever reach out to each other.

His siblings don't really know how to do  _healthy_ relationships, how to properly reach and empathize with each other. Ben can't blame them, though, considering how little sympathy Dad taught them.

-

When Ben tells Klaus that he knows that Luther would come after him and try to save him no matter what, he knows that he’s lying. He remembers the time that Klaus spent locked up and tortured in that hotel room. He remembers the fact that nobody came. 

Ben remembers a lot. (When you're dead, there's not much else to do.) He remembers Klaus' resignation about being left behind, his escape from assassins only after having his mind nearly turned upside down by withdrawal and the appearance of the dead. He remembers Klaus grabbing the briefcase and not giving two shits as to where it would take him, as long as he ended up somewhere that wasn't  _here_.

Ben remembers Dave, distantly. His connection to Klaus was somewhat strained during that time, due to the difference in timelines, but he remembers. He remembers what it felt like to be in love, to be willing to go to war for someone else.

(Ben knows that Klaus only came back because Dave died. He would have stayed. There is nothing for Klaus here, in the present.)

- 

There’s still that fucking umbrella tattoo on Ben’s arm, even now that he’s dead. There’s no way to get it removed, just like there’s no way to get his memories or the monsters under his skin removed.

Ben remembers. That’s what sucks so much about being dead: he remembers, and there’s almost no point. He can’t do shit to stop people from falling apart. All he can do is to offer advice and to try and stop Klaus from making shitty decisions.

He stays with Klaus, tries to stop him from making the stupidest fucking decisions, and often fails.

That is, of course, until the moment where he finally  _does_ feel useful.

The moment he shoves Klaus, that he picks up Diego after a fight with one of the time travelling assassins, his memories start to feel less pointless. For the first time in six years, he can do something.

And this gives him the strength to change things.  
  
-

When they find that Luther has locked Vanya up, Ben remembers the mausoleum. He remembers the years of being trapped. He remembers how helpless Klaus felt, how the nightmares haunted him for ages. And now he knows that Vanya must have gone through the same thing, that Dad fucked her up just as badly because of her powers as Dad did Klaus.

And Ben can’t watch this happen again.

“Klaus,” he says, “Get her out.”

Klaus jerks in his direction. “I can’t do that,” he hisses, “Luther’s blocking the way.”

“Luther’s one man,” Ben says, “And no one else wants to leave her in there. Stand up for her. Be a good man.”

Klaus clears his throat. “Luther,” he says, and nearly flinches when Luther turns to look at him. Great omen. “Let her out."

Klaus’ strength has never, ever been confrontation. His strength has always been a quiet endurance, a desire to run, a desire to escape. The moment he got out of the Academy he ended up getting high out of his mind and he hasn't been even close to sober until the last couple of days- that's how fucking dedicated Klaus is to keeping his brain away from any ghosts save Ben, who's too stubborn to let him go. Klaus has fought to keep the ghosts away any way possible, even if that meant self-destruction. He's got the strength to do this, but Ben's not entirely sure if he knows how to use it.

"We can't let her out," Luther says, "She hurt Allison. We can't let her hurt anyone else."

"We've gotta forgive her," Ben says, "She was scared and she lashed out. Everyone in this room has done that."

“It’s five votes to one,” Klaus says, somewhat reaffirming Ben's point.

"Five votes?" Five asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Klaus straightens when he finally seems to realize that no one else has registered Ben's words because no shit, they haven't. “Ben says to let her out.”

Luther's lips thin, and Ben's practically a pacifist with how much _he_ hates violence, but he kind of wants to smack that look off of Luther's face. "You've got not proof that Ben agrees with you."

Then, to Ben's pleasant shock, Diego says: "I believe Klaus, and he's right anyway. She's our sister, Luther, we've gotta give her a chance."

Allison nods and holds up her notepad, which reads,  _THEY'RE RIGHT. LET HER OUT._

Ben does have sympathy for the way Luther's face crumbles. "But she hurt you," he says quietly, and Allison shakes her head and taps her finger against her notepad. Then she steps forward and this time Luther steps just enough out of the way for her to get to the door and pull on the handle. She opens the door and Vanya tumbles out, a sob on her lips. “I’m sorry,” she’s mumbling, and she’s fucked up, but she doesn’t have to apologize. She doesn’t have to apologize for not knowing how to control her powers because she was never taught.

Ben crouches down next to her. He knows that he can’t touch her, that he can’t interact, but she’s his sister. He doesn’t have very many memories of talking to her. All he can remember is her at the backs of rooms, voice quiet but strict, her long hair obscuring her eyes. “It’s okay,” Ben says, wishing she could hear. “It’s going to be okay.”

No one hears him. No one ever does.

Except for, well, Ben’s favorite dumbass in the world. Klaus crouches down with him and places a hand on Vanya’s shoulders, because Ben’s memories of the mausoleum are just Klaus’s filtered memories. Klaus knows the feeling of being trapped in a room, of not being confined with only your powers and being unable to escape.

(And, to be honest, Klaus has always been a bit too kind for his own good. He likes to pretend he isn’t, because the last time one of them was too kind it got Ben killed, but Klaus really shows it in instances like this.)

“Vanya,” Klaus says, voice soothing. His voice curls around his words in that gentle way of his, the way that makes you feel like he _understands_. (And in this case, it really does.) “Can I give you a hug?”

Vanya jerks out a nod and Klaus pulls her into said hug. He pats her hair almost like he’s patting a small, terrified animals, but it seems to work. Vanya breathes, and the world trembles slightly but doesn’t collapse. “It’s okay,” Klaus says, repeating Ben’s words, “It’s gonna be okay, sis.”

Ben puts his hand on Vanya’s shoulder, and this time, it doesn’t go through. Klaus is sober enough, their connection strong enough, that he stays. Ben can finally touch his siblings.

Vanya lets out a shuddering breath and Klaus just stares at him over her head. “Ben?” she asks, and Ben grins. 

When Vanya speaks, the world shakes just a little bit with each word out of her mouth. Ben can see Luther’s eyes narrowing in the corner, the way his body seems to flinch forward with each reverberation, but nothing gets damaged badly so Luther stays put. “Thank you,” she says, then looks up at Allison without letting go of Klaus. She can't meet Allison's eyes, but she still says, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Allison shows Vanya her notebook. IT'S OKAY, it says, and Ben can feel Vanya's shoulder shaking under his hand. A few of the spikes inside of the room detach from the walls and bury themselves in the ground, but otherwise Ben just focuses on Klaus' hand continuing to pat Vanya's back, the unmistakably 70s tune he's humming quietly to Vanya's hair.

Maybe they can make this work. 

-

Vanya falls asleep in Klaus' arms, exhausted from the day, and they carry her upstairs to bed.

Things aren’t good, but Ben can’t remember them ever being good. He can’t remember normal. He can only remember being turned into a weapon before he ever had a chance to be a child.

Five is an assassin and Allison’s throat will be damaged for a long time and Klaus’ boyfriend died and Diego’s not-girlfriend died and Vanya has world-destroying powers and Luther has the body of an ape and Dad is dead. Things are fucked up. They’ve always been fucked up.

But the difference, now, is that Ben has hope. Klaus is sober for the first time since he was fourteen. Vanya knows about her powers and they’re figuring out how to work through them without Dad or her shady ex-boyfriend trying to control things. Allison’s planning on taking them all to meet Claire soon, once they’ve healed a bit more. Luther and Diego are still little shits, but you know, that can’t really be helped.

(And, of course, the apocalypse has been averted by a single hug and a door opening. That’s a pretty important improvement.)

But what gives Ben the most hope? It’s that Vanya, for the first time, is at least a little included and understood. She sleeps cuddled with Klaus that first night, and Ben thinks it may be the first time any of his siblings have _ever_ gotten any platonic cuddling in.

(He's pretty glad that it's happening. His siblings are all emotionally stunted and cuddling with each other shows that at least some level of progress is being made in their relationships with each other and the world. They really need it.)

-

There is no apocalypse. Tomorrow comes and goes and the world doesn’t end. 

Vanya goes to her concert and the world doesn’t fall apart with the world; instead, it sings. The air in the theatre trembles, but the people sit, spellbound, and the Hargreeves siblings watch from the balcony. (And Ben is there, in his own seat, because Klaus made sure to save him a seat.)

They’re not really dressed up, save Allison and Klaus, who despite the world almost ending can't resist a bit of flair, but Vanya looks up at them after she plays her final note. There is a smile on her lips, and a note of pride on theirs.

So yes, they're still fucked up, but they are proud of each other and what they've accomplished.

This is a step to healing. This is something they never accomplished when Dad was alive and Five was gone and the Umbrella Academy was slowly crushing them. 

Right now, they're trying to be the family they never got to be. It's about thirty years too late, but it's important.

-

Going forward, Vanya still gets angry. She still doesn’t understand, sometimes, and they have to call her back to her body and away from her crushing power.

Vanya has problems, yeah. She takes awhile to be able to look Luther in the eyes, which is incredibly fucking understandable after what Luther did. But to Luther's defense, he does try to make things up to her. He eventually apologizes- the first time Ben thinks he's ever heard the man say "sorry"- and Vanya begins to really talk to him and allow him back in. (Though, admittedly, it takes her  _far_ longer to let him touch her. Ben's not sure why, but he has the feeling that it has something to do with how Vanya ended up in the room in the basement.)

But despite all this, she definitely doesn’t want to destroy the world. She hasn’t been pushed that far. They have brought her back from the edge, and it's kept both her and the world safe.

Vanya can breathe, now. That’s enough.

-

It takes a few days, but then Klaus finally gets sober. His fists glow blue, and everyone gets to meet Dave, and now Klaus can touch Dave and-

The world finally feels like it can heal. Yeah, Ben might still be dead, but now he can talk to his siblings for a little while at a time.

They can really start over, now. They can build the family that Dad kept them from having, a family with the seven of them and Pogo and Mom and one niece who's going to have five uncles and and aunt who will love her until the end of time.

Ben's looking forward to this.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this story, please feel free to leave kudos/comments! Comments are a writer's lifeblood and will be the motivation to write more in this 'verse/fandom.


End file.
